It’s been a sleepless few days for me. Having celebrated my landmark 50th
birthday this year, I still find myself hankering after one elusive …….. in my
life – the “off” button. You know, the
one that switches off that constant noise in your head. The one that raises a temporary barrier to
those persistent, encroaching, challenging thoughts. The one that allows relaxation, peace and tranquillity
to soothe and wash away the tension. Still
not found it. This being so, the run up
to Fathers’ Day this year has found me somewhat overloaded and overwhelmed,
culminating in this urgent need to write this blog today. Specifically today.
I love my dad. He’s
70 this year – but a young 70. He’s been
married to my mum for 50 years – childhood sweethearts. Growing up I remember him being playful, but
strict. He had high expectations of me,
though I do not remember him pressuring me in any sense. He was dependable, hard-working and honest
and had a clear, moral code. I never
doubted that he loved me and would always be there for me, though sometimes I
guess I wanted him to say this more, to show it more. He had that sense of humour (!) that made
everyone around him groan, and beg for mercy – “please no more!”. I
remember him being liked and respected by many – though his inability to let go
of an argument and his unswerving belief that he “was right” did, on occasion,
cause some friction. As I have grown
older, I’ve noticed different traits in my dad too. He is always there for family and friends –
physically caring for them, being compassionate and offering practical support
too.
Let’s be clear – my dad is great, but he isn’t perfect. He can be irritating, stubborn and sometimes
set in his opinions and views. Recently,
my dad has been given cause to consider whether he was a “good enough” father to
me as a young child. Whether he had done
the best he could in protecting me and keeping me safe; to question his
parenting. For the record, dad, you were
more than good enough. I am where I am
today, the best I’ve ever been, because of you.
You, and mum, my wonderful memories of a large, loving wider family have
shaped me into who I am today. It is the
combination of family relationships, friendships and relationships with others,
good and bad experiences which shape each of us into the adult we become – and continue
to shape us as we move through adulthood.
I wouldn’t be me, now, happy, fulfilled and challenged, without ALL of
the experiences in my life.
Although I’m not with my dad today, on Fathers’ Day, he is
very much in my thoughts. He told me the
other day that he didn’t really understand what my research was about, and that
set me thinking. Why would he understand
about Parental Alienation? It has had no
bearing on his life – it is not something he has encountered. I suppose the
closest I can get to explaining to my dad, who clearly loves me and my sister
is ……. “How would you have coped if mum had left you when we were young, taken
us away from you, told us you were a vile, violent abusive man and we were
never to see you again? How would you
have felt if you could never talk to us, to hold us. If you never saw a photo of us, never
attended our birthday parties, our graduation, our passing out parade, our weddings. How would it be not to have a card and a
telephone call from us on your birthday, or Fathers’ Day or Christmas – not to
mention the standard box of Just Brazils!
What if we swore at you and vilified you and called you a
paedophile? What if you knew we were
punished if we spoke of you or asked to see you? What if you were not able to
protect us and keep us safe from harm?
What if you could only watch from the side-lines and not offer your enduring
love and support as our lives fell apart, as our relationships disintegrated, as
we struggled with our mental health? What
if you were never allowed to meet your grandchildren?” This is the reality for many, many parents,
dad, who like you love their children dearly.
They may not be perfect mums and dads – but like you, they are good
enough. Maybe this can help you
understand what Parental Alienation is – at least from a parent’s point of
view. And maybe it can help you understand
why I feel it is important to talk about this.
Just because we don’t experience something ourselves, doesn’t mean it
doesn’t exist.
So, returning to my over active brain. There has been a barrage of “newsworthy”
items this week which has over-excited my grey matter. There is the Centre for Social Justice report
on “man deserts”, the portrayal of fathers as feckless individuals on TV, the
massive rise in Private Family Law cases for Cafcass and the debate over access
to justice. Yet the one story which stays with me most is
that of Tim Haries.
Tim was arrested for defacing a portrait of the Queen in
Westminster Abbey. He allegedly spray-painted
the word “Help” on the painting to draw attention to his legal battle to have
contact with his children. Now, me being
me, always the researcher – I naturally googled Tim. I could find very little about him, other
than a report from his friend and legal adviser which stated that he has two
daughters and has spent more than three years and had almost 30 hearings in the
family court fighting for contact with them.
Tim’s friend also states that Tim has no police record, and has never
been considered a risk to either his children or his ex-wife by the authorities. The last time he attended court he was
ordered to have no contact with his
daughters, and further, he is forbidden for applying for contact for a further
two years. I find myself asking …. why?
What possible reasons are there to legally prohibit a relationship
between a parent and a child? After all,
article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights affirms the right for
everyone’s family life to be respected, and under European legislation “a child
and his or her parents shall have the right to obtain and maintain regular
contact with each other”(Council of Europe, 2003 Chapter 2 Article 4 (1)).
So what has Tim Haries done that is so heinous, that his
children are denied the benefit of him in their lives? The answer is – we do not know. We are not allowed to know. In this democratic nation of ours, we are
unable to ponder a legal judgement and draw our own conclusions about Tim. We are denied the opportunity to consider
whether our legal system is just and fair, whether a particular judge is
applying precedent and principles in an objective and judicious manner. We are not allowed to know why Tim is considered
not be a “good enough” parent. Furthermore
– Tim is legally prohibited from telling anyone details of his case or the
judgment either. Disclosing details of
Family Law cases is contempt and carries a risk of prosecution and
imprisonment.
Now that Tim has entered the criminal arena, we are all free
to ponder his actions. There are, of
course, no restrictions on the reporting of criminal proceedings. Many already seem to have taken this
opportunity to suggest that a man who has resorted to this criminal activity is
clearly unfit to be a father. How quick
we are to judge on such limited information.
My heart today goes out to Tim, and all those other dads and
mums, who have been judged by the courts as “not good enough”. Those who have no criminal record, have never
been considered a risk to their child, who have been systematically removed
from their child’s life, and for some, who continue to feel judged on a daily basis
by those with no understanding of their plight.
Today I will be doing my utmost to ensure that one of these dads is
distracted with a “fun-filled” day. A dear friend, who has just said to me – “it
is just another day”. Yet I know that his
words belie the truth for him, and are little more than a mask, a dampener, to
push the hurt he feels should he contemplate, amongst other things, the 12
Fathers’ Days he has not spent with his daughter.
On Fathers’ Day, whilst you are enjoying the love of those
close to you, spare a thought for those children and fathers who are denied
this opportunity – today, tomorrow, and the next ….
