Parental Alienation Awareness day - a personal reflection

April 25^th is Parental Alienation Awareness day. It isn’t something we “do” here in the UK; maybe we need to.  Few people have heard of it or understand what it is.  Parental alienation is the unwarranted or illogical rejection of a parent, by a child, where there was previously a normal, warm, loving relationship.  It most often occurs in highly conflicted relationship break-ups.  I would contend however, that many a parent slips into potentially alienating behaviour and reflecting on our actions and understanding the processes involved can prevent potentially damaging outcomes for our children.

April 25^th is also my daughter’s 20^th Birthday.   Reflection is at the essence of who I am as a person – as a mum, a colleague, a friend, a practitioner, a researcher, and events such as a child’s birthday naturally initiate even more reflection.  But I have to admit, this year I seem to have succumbed to reflection overload – undoubtedly due to very fact that the anniversary of my daughter’s birth coincides with Parental Alienation Awareness day.

I look at my daughter, and my other children, with immense pride.  I couldn’t always do that.  For many years, I just felt “lucky” and “grateful”.  I felt fortunate that some ethereal being or mystical fortune had endowed me with these bright, intelligent, diligent, inquisitive, considerate, caring, loving tiny packages, which blossomed of their own accord into adolescents and adults with all of these qualities intact.  Through my self-reflection, personal therapy and grappling with the challenges life has presented me, I can now acknowledge that this is not the case.  My children are the wonderful, unique individuals they are because of me – and because of their dad and their grandparents, and other family members; because of their friends and their teachers; because of all the interpersonal experiences in their lives to date.  

Each of us is the product of our lifetime of interpersonal experiences – and each time I meet someone who is separated from their child due to parental alienation, I become more acutely aware of this.  I try to understand their experiences, to be compassionate and to empathise with their pain, the hurt and the loss; but I cannot truly feel what they feel.  Lately, I have found myself considering the immense courage and strengths that these individuals have.  I know it is a struggle, a nightmare, a devastation that brings many to the edge and pushes some over.  Yet the majority learn, or manage, to function, to live their life as they fight for their child’s right to a relationship with them, or come to terms with the loss, hopefully temporary, of that relationship.  I am far from convinced that I would have the resilience to cope in similar circumstances.  

I think about those children who are victims of their circumstances – those who are explicitly alienated by one parent against the other.  I ponder those who are lied to, manipulated and physically prevented from contact.  I consider those youngsters who have to supress or deny their love and affection, who must hide their thoughts and emotions, who are prohibited from speaking to, communicating or being with someone they love.  I wonder about those children who subliminally acknowledge the risk of losing a second parent if they do not succumb to the alienating tactics.  I contemplate how children learn the benefits of compliance and complicity in the alienation – greater “love and affection”, or at least a more safe home environment and less likelihood of punishment or disregard.  

I consider too, those children who are subtly, maybe unconsciously, manipulated to gradually withdraw from one parent in favour of another.  Some children never hear a bad word about the absent parent – but they never hear a good word either.  When they excitedly report an enjoyable visit, it goes unacknowledged or is instantly dismissed.  Conversely, reports of minor disagreements are dissected, commiserated with and alleviated with a special treat.  The excessive sadness expressed by mum or dad before a contact visit is matched by equally excessive joy on return “home”.  There is a failure to share important, or even routine, information about school events, social activities, illnesses – or to communicate at all.  

I reflect too on the alienating parent – whether or not they are conscious of their actions.  I try to understand their shame and damage and the hate that they may hold for their former partner.  How they may believe that this individual is so hateful, such a despicable human being that they need to protect their child from him/her at all costs.  I try and understand the lengths they go to – moving to opposite ends of the country; creating a web of lies, misinformation and half-truths; breaking court orders.  I try to put myself in their shoes and wonder whether I would behave in that same way given the same circumstances.  I can absolutely appreciate the feeling of loss and emptiness, of handing over care, relinquishing “control” that can accompany periods away from a child – knowing that you are missing out on a part of their life, and desperately not wanting that.

My life has changed because of the people I have met who have been impacted by parental alienation.  However, it is not just my life that has changed, my parenting has changed too.   As a consequence, my children are who they are because of my awareness of parental alienation.  At times I have been tempted to put my needs before theirs.  There have been occasions when I have been tempted to seduce one or more of my children with more attractive opportunities than those offered by their dad, just to keep them close.  On reflection, there have been times where I inappropriately shared adult information – about finances or relationship issues – with one of my children.  I have so wanted to “rescue”, and make everything better, when one has telephoned me in tears – because dad has done this or that or won’t listen or doesn’t understand. Good parenting is about supporting our children in the many relationships that they will have in their lives, encouraging them to develop communication, negotiation and problem solving skills, and fostering respect for others.  We do not serve our children well if we continue to rescue them and prevent them from developing those important skills.  

Awareness of parental alienation isn’t just important for conflicted parents.  I believe all separating and separated parents would benefit hugely from an understanding of the behaviour and psychological processes in play when there is family break-up.  Divorce, separation and break-up are difficult for all involved, but good outcomes are possible if we stand back and reflect on our own role in this process.  Failure to reflect and to put our children’s needs and rights at the centre can lead to alienation, and the devastation and enduring emotional damage that results.  Our children have a right to a relationship with both parents and their wider family. 

So, my hope today, on Parental Alienation Awareness day, on my daughter’s 20^th Birthday, is that just one parent, somewhere, stops, stands back and reflects on the possible consequences of their actions and enables the loving relationship between their child and the other parent to flourish.

Let’s talk about it - bringing Parental Alienation to a wider audience

I’ve been immersing myself in the literature around Parental Alienation for over 2 years now – hungrily devouring every journal article, magazine posting, book chapter, seminar and blog that deals with the issue from one perspective or another.  I have met with so many people who have lived with Parental Alienation on a daily basis – who deal with pain, loss, shame, guilt, anger, rejection, disbelief, depression, sadness, ignorance and judgement.  I have met so many more people, professionals such as counsellors, psychologists, academics, teachers, social workers and lawyers, who have never heard of Parental Alienation.  And then there are those people that happenstance dictates I bump into.  In polite conversation, they ask – “why are you going to a conference?” or “what are you researching?”  After checking out – “do you really want to know?”, I explain to them what Parental Alienation is, and what my research is about.  It never ceases to surprise, and dismay, me the number of times I hear “that happened to my son/partner/daughter/friend/colleague”.

I guess many may see me as a passionate bore.  My research is extremely important to me.  But it is driven by seeing the traumatic effect it has on the lives of the people I love and care about.  And it is this personal encounter with Parental Alienation which drives me on.  I feel driven to raise awareness of Parental Alienation in those professionals who work with people on a daily basis whose lives are damaged by this tragedy.  I feel driven to raise awareness in the general public – so that Parental Alienation can no longer be denied or swept under the carpet in the same way as childhood sex abuse used to be. 

I guess it is this passion and drive which took me to the recent conference of the BPS History and Philosophy of Psychology section. My passion and drive and one of my all too frequent moments of madness that is!!  History and Philosophy of Psychology?  Me?  I am no theoretical academic.  I am firmly rooted in applied psychology.  I am very clear that I am here to help people – not to theorise or speculate.  What drove me was the topic of the conference  “DSM: The History, Theory, and Politics of Diagnosis”.  In devouring all those journal articles I had become aware of the debate around the inclusion of Parental Alienation in the upcoming latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM5.  The debate around whether we label a child with a mental disorder; the debate around the symptoms and behaviour manifested in a child due to the alienation process; the debate surrounding the alienation behaviours of the parent; the debate around prevention and intervention – and whether a “label” is a pre-requisite for resources to be made available.

So, I submitted an abstract, which was accepted.  I arrived at the conference on 26^th March, and immediately felt that I had made an error of judgement.  This was NOT the place for my presentation. It was the WRONG audience. I felt like a fish out of water, in need of a parachute to bail out – and probably many other mixed metaphors and similies too.  Oh well, I was here now, and thankfully there was a colleague here who was very re-assuring and supportive.  It was with some angst and apprehension that I delivered my “paper”.  I had never been to a conference where a “paper” meant an actual written paper which was delivered verbatim.  I had prepared my usual PowerPoint presentation backed up by a few scribbled notes – though I have to admit that nerves took over and I didn’t “engage” with the audience as much as I would have liked.  I ran a little over the allocated time, not allowing time for questions and felt I had rushed things, hadn’t been clear enough or got my points across.  I was relieved when it was over.  With some surprise, my relief quickly turned to satisfaction, a sense of fulfilment, and I can say I even felt a wee bit proud when 2 of the delegates rushed up to me at the end.  One of them was very excited, and felt that my paper validated her own theoretical research and she would like to use it as an example when she presented her paper the following day.  The second was a young woman, who put her arm on mine and said  “Thank you.  That happened to me as a child, and now I know it has a name.  Now I know it was real.”  

I want to give my personal thanks to that delegate.   Thank you for validating my decision to present in this strange arena.  Thank you for re-enthusing my drive and commitment to raise awareness of Parental Alienation.  And thank you for sharing your experience with me.

Sharing Mum and Dad: a child's right

Having just watched the Channel 4 Dispatches programme “Sharing Mum and Dad”, I must admit to feeling slightly disappointed in its coverage.  Whilst it was heart-warming to see an example of co-operative shared parenting at its best, the programme totally failed to capture the heart-ache and devastation of those children and parents who have no contact.  Tim Lovejoy stated that in the worst case situation, contact takes places in a contact centre, a lifeline for some parents.  This is not the worst case situation.  For some parents and children there is no lifeline: there is no contact.

According to Ministry of Justice figures, more than 122,000 children were involved in new private law family court applications in 2010.  The majority of these were for contact or residence orders where separating parents were in conflict and unable to agree on arrangements for their children.  Such highly conflicted separations are rarely progressed without hostility and the emotional toll on all involved can have devastating effects and repercussions for many years.  The hostility exercised, combined with the disruption of contact during extended litigation, can promote Parental Alienation – the unwarranted loathing and rejection of a loving parent.  

According to Baroness Butler-Sloss, the court seeks to maintain the status quo when making a court order.  Which status quo would this be?  The status quo immediately prior to separation, where despite their differences, both parents somehow manage to share care for their child – take them to school, bathe them, prepare and share meals with them, read them a bedtime story, take them to after-school activities, help with their homework, visit family, set and maintain guidance and rules, share special occasions and events.  Or the status quo immediately after separation, when one parent prevents their child having any contact or meaningful relationship with the other parent: their child cannot talk about their parent, have their picture, send or receive birthday cards, talk on the telephone, visit grandparents.  Or the status quo after 2 years of litigation, separation and broken court orders when a child no longer knows the other parent and memories of their loving relationship have been dimmed from consciousness? 

The fact remains, irrespective of whether a presumption of shared parenting becomes enshrined in law, we already have legislation which stipulates that the welfare of the child is paramount.  There is a wealth of evidence to suggest that the best outcome for children is achieved by the active involvement of both parents in their everyday lives.  It is the current application of this paramouncy principle which fails these children.  Of course there are situations when proven abuse and violence should lead to caution over contact.  However, in highly conflicted cases, 67% of allegations of domestic violence and abuse are unfounded.  What other reason can there be for a child not continuing to have contact with both parents in light of evidence of the benefits?

Perhaps it is time to shake up our family law system – now, today, whether a change in the law is planned or not.  If one parent refuses or denies contact why can a judge not immediately enforce contact, upholding a child’s right to a relationship with both parents?  Why is contact not enforced until after a lengthy, embittered legal battle – and even then, when court orders are broken, why is there an almost universal failure to enforce?   Whilst I admit I am no family law specialist, I am unaware of any legal reason why this is not possible (please advise me if this is not the case).  I suspect the truth is that the judiciary and CAFCASS are simply too set in their ways and incapable of examining the legislation through a fresh lens.  Whilst I acknowledge the resource implications of immediate safe enforcement of contact, I suggest that this would be a temporary issue.  Once the family courts grasp the nettle and begin immediate enforcement, there would be a reduction in prolonged litigation, and associated costs. 

I appreciate my ponderings may seem naïve and simplistic – but what is more simple than the love that a child and his mother and father share.  Sometimes we need simple solutions that will truly allow a child to share mum and dad.

Procrastinating ....... evaluating the role of research in counselling psychology

It's been a while since I've posted.  For those of you like me - with a family; training full time (two days at University, three on clinical placement); fitting in part-time work in evenings and weekends - you will appreciate the lack of any free time and the levels of exhaustion.  To exacerbate the situation - my inability to say "no" appears to have re-surfaced.  In recent months I have taken on a role as Counselling Psychology representative on the PsyPAG committee, launched a Facebook group for my University course  and taken on the administration role of my daughter's rugby team.  It was not without some difficulty that I managed to restrain myself from standing as Parent Governor for my daughter's school.  The next month looks positively overloaded with two presentations; rugby training and festival; two focus groups for my research; a Golden Wedding celebration - oh yes, and the small matter of Christmas.

So given my crowded schedule and commitments - why have I chosen today to write?  One word - procrastination.  Faced with a 3000 word assignment critiquing the role of research in counselling psychology, I am destined to seek out all manner of activities which delay the inevitable.  Having set aside three whole days to break the back of the assignment (daughter at her dad's and reading week at University), to read the necessary journal articles and commit my evidentially supported points to paper, I have absolutely nothing to show.  Well, not in terms of an assignment.  I made a lovely soup, three loaves of banana bread, a superb excel spreadsheet for the rugby team - oh yes, and a blog post.  At least I'm writing :)

Parental Alienation: name it; deal with it.

Last week, I sat in a small invited audience at a Family Law Seminar in the House of Commons, entitled "Managing Cases of Children Resistant to Parental Contact & Alienated Children – International & UK Experiences". It was refreshing to hear this important issue being so openly acknowledged and debated.  Having recently conducted an initial literature review for my own research, the paucity of British research is dismaying.

High Court Judge Sir Paul Coleridge's strident assertion that Parental Alienation is now at least acknowledged by the judiciary was welcome.  This seemed to be corroborated by Professor Nick Bala's research which identified 43 cases of alleged alienation during the period 2000-2011. But - 43 cases in 11 years?  I think I personally know of more alleged parental alienation cases.  I'm presuming here, having looked at Professor Bala's search strategy, that these are judgements made public in the higher courts: judgements typically arrived at after many, many years of legal proceedings.  The tired phrase "tip of the iceberg" jumps to mind.  Quite simply we do not know the scale of Parental Alienation or "intractable contact disputes", the term which seems favoured by the judiciary.  We do not know because judgements and proceedings in the family courts - those courts where parents daily submit their C1 to seek contact or residence or judgement on a specific issue - remain unpublished and undisclosed.  There is no analysis of the cases; no public record of the judgement; no accountability.  As for these courts’ acknowledgement of Parental Alienation - your guess is as good as Sir Paul's assertion.  We are left with anecdotal evidence of many disheartened and distressed parents - the majority of whom would suggest that you raise the spectre of Parental Alienation at your peril.  The reality, in the country as a whole, is that Parental Alienation is barely acknowledged, minimally understood, and frequently disregarded.  Let's just name this disease - at least we can then start investigating remedies.

Thankfully, Karen Woodall is not idly sitting by waiting for the debate on whether or not Parental Alienation exists to be resolved.  I was deeply heartened by Karen's presentation of the work she is piloting at the Centre for Separated Families.  In agreement with everyone at the seminar, Karen acknowledged the complexity of the cases she is working with.  But just because something is complex, this is no reason for failing to address it.  In far too many cases the courts err on the side of caution - cease contact pending further investigations thus contributing to the alienation process.  Karen's work begins with a thorough exploration of the complex factors in each case, a differentiated approach based on the findings and crucially - immediately restoring direct contact.  As someone who has worked with children and young people for the past 15 years, it was reassuring to witness someone who truly understands children, their psychological development and the defences they employ to manage their emotional distress.  I struggle to understand why everyone who works with young people in these traumatic cases is not required to have the same level of understanding.  Attachment theory is just that - a theory, which has its uses and applications, but also fails to explain much more.  Karen's approach smacks of common sense.  The sooner it is researched and validated, disseminated and made more widely available, the better – a real hope at last for children and conflicting families.

  

All in all, I found the seminar to be informative, thought provoking and encouraging.  But please, please, please - this needs to be out there, in the open, researched, debated.  Parental Alienation: name it; understand it; deal with it.

21st June 2012 - the day I lost my virginity .......

...... and it didn't hurt anywhere near as much as I had been anticipating! I'm assured too, that the more I do it - the more pleasurable it is. Now I appreciate that from a rather mature woman, this may seem slightly bemusing, but the fact is I've never had the right combination of self confidence, opportunity and material until now. The First Conference on Applied Qualitative Research in Psychology at the University of Derby proved an ideal occasion for me to pop my conference presentation cherry as it were.
 
The weeks leading up to the event found me riddled with doubts and nerves, and more worryingly - plagued by images of a recent Rocky Horror Picture Show event where Rocky Horror "virgins" were ceremoniously debased and humiliated! I lost count of the number of times I considered withdrawing ..... and this still seemed a good option for me even on the morning of the conference. Somehow, from somewhere not often previously encountered, I managed to find the resolve required.

I bucked my trend - and on arrival did, in fact, actually manage to make eye contact with someone and initiate a conversation. For those who know me, they will appreciate the enormity of this achievement. Thank you Kirsty - you did not appear to be aware of the hurdle that I had overcome, and I enjoyed hearing about your proposed PhD. My enjoyment continued throughout the morning, quelling the nerves and settling the butterflies a little, as I absorbed myself in the presentations. Some interesting and thought provoking research - the sort that you want to rush home and share with colleagues, well, with anyone who will listen really. And from my perspective, great application of methodology which has firmly re-fuelled my enthusiasm and sparked the grey matter to generate further research ideas.

As for my presentation - "Mad, Bad and Not My Problem: A Q Methodology Exploration of Teachers’ Negative Attitudes Towards Students with Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties" (here)? It was "ok" - better than I had anticipated, with plenty of room for improvement - a "satisfactory" first attempt. For me, a relieved sense of "I did it!" - one to be ticked off the list.

A special thanks to Donna and Helen, who distracted me from my nervous physiological symptoms by engaging me in interesting dialogue about their research and experiences. It was great to meet you - and I hope our paths cross again.

My advice to friends and collegues who keep putting it off - go for it! It's never too late - and life is about new experiences. Grab an opportunity, take on a challenge - grow.

Happy Fathers' Day?

For quite a while now I've been contemplating blogging. On Saturday 16 June 2012, the eve of Fathers' Day, the impetus I needed to start writing happened upon me.  It was a poignant, tear-pricking, chord-striking moment.

I was on a pre-planned visit to London with a dear friend, unaware that it was Trooping of the Colour in the Queen's Diamond Jubilee year.  I was aware, however, of the Fathers4Justice march from the Olympic countdown clock in Trafalgar Square to Downing Street.  I cannot put hand on heart and say I support everything that Fathers4Justice do, but I can state that  I follow news of their campaigns closely.  I may not agree with all of their statements and all of their actions - but I firmly believe in a child's right to a close, loving, appropriate relationship with both parents and their wider families - irrespective of the relationship between those parents.

I count myself as fortunate and lucky: I have an amicable separation with my former partner - and my children enjoy a "normal" relationship with us both.  Neither of us would contemplate frustrating any contact with the other.  Our children can be with each of us, as and when they wish - they can talk to us, telephone us, email and text us whenever they choose.  We both share daily routines and special occasions with our children.  We both share their excitement, their disappointments, their normalities and their out-of-the-ordinaries.  It wasn't until I met my dear friend and his daughter that I realised this isn't always so.

I witnessed at first-hand a young girl who enjoyed her dad, who openly showed her affection and love towards him, who laughed and cried with him, who hugged him.  A young girl who was manipulated, taught to hate, to denigrate, to deny - to ultimately reject her loving father and become estranged.  A young girl, I can only presume, who could no longer manage the emotional stress involved in trying to maintain both relationships in the face of such hostility. 

When my friend expressed his wish to witness the F4J march - I was happy to accompany him.  When he decided to join the march, I walked the route and waited for him.  To be truthful - few people I passed along the way showed any interest in the rally.  Few seemed to question the purpose, the cause, the issues at play.  Most people just went about their day, enjoying their visit to Whitehall on this day of celebration.

As I walked ahead of the march, returning from Downing Street to Trafalgar Square, there was one man however, who was in clear distress.  His distress had nothing whatsoever to do with the F4J march.  This poor man was rapidly scurrying along a crowded Whitehall, clearly anxious and concerned, fretfully shouting "Harry! Harry!"  and again "Harry! Harry!" - again and again.  Much the same as the march, most people ignored him, showed no interest.  Whatever his problem, his issue, it was nothing to do with them.  Just one woman pushed forward and asked - "Are you looking for a little boy?" I could not keep back my tears.

In that one brief moment I was acutely aware of this dad's distress at losing his young son for just a few minutes - and profoundly aware of how magnified the distress, the loss, the grief of all those people taking part in that march.  All of them who had lost their child not just for a few moments - but for months, for years, for some - forever. Unlike that fretful dad so quickly re-united with his son - so many dads, including many on this march, faced yet another Fathers' Day full of sorrow, not joy.