The urge to write has been clawing at me incessantly now for
well over a week, and I’m very much aware of my conscious efforts to suppress
it, contain it, keep it at bay until I can give it the space it needs. So much has happened over the last month – so
much I want to write about, that I can’t quite yet fathom out how to structure
my jumbled thoughts into a coherent piece of writing. But I guess that is what it is like for all
of us at some times in our life, uncontrollable thoughts mingling with
spontaneous emotions, suppressed and contained to a greater or lesser degree as
we tackle the daily task of living.
My preference is to write chronologically, as if in a
journal or a diary, but events of the last few days seem key in putting all
else in context. When I first started
with this blog, I made the decision not to censor myself, or categorise my
writing. It isn’t a “personal” blog;
neither is it a “professional” blog – it is just “my” blog. For many in my profession, this is a constant
dilemma. How much of our private, inner
selves do we bring into our professional role?
I would argue that the mere fact that we are in that professional role,
is in large part due to our inner self.
But the consideration for Counselling Psychologists is often how much of
that inner self is revealed to our clients; as a researcher, how do we “bracket
off” our subjective experiences. This
duality (or complexity and multiplicity) of self, was very much brought home to
me this weekend.
On Saturday, I eagerly attended Dr Victoria Galbraith’s
Public Lecture at the British Psychological Society Division of Counselling
Psychology 2013 Conference. It was
entitled “The pride and identity of the Red Dragon (Y Ddraig Goch): Suit of
armour or double-edged sword?” As a
self-exiled Welsh woman, my prior anticipation was naturally heightened. I was not disappointed – yet the talk touched
me in ways I had not predicted. Yes, my
Welsh pride stirred and I shed a few tears as I viewed the Welsh National Rugby
team sing our rousing National Anthem.
Yes, my empathic response initiated more tears as Victoria spoke of the
tragedies of Welsh mining disasters and the heartbreak of Aberfan – so many
innocent lives lost. More tears too,
reminiscing, as my happy childhood unfolded before me – tales of Llywelyn and Gelert, Phil Bennet
and Eisteddfod. But the aspects which
deeply resonated with me were the affirmation of the Welsh “fire in my belly”,
my passion, and the human tendency to jump to conclusions: to judge a book by
its cover; to thin slice and pre-judge.
Victoria’s very clear message was that the romanticism of Wales often
belies or obscures a very different reality of a people who have been faced
with a history of oppression and adversity.
This duality of a Nation, also reflects the duality of the individual –
what is apparent on the surface so often masks what lies beneath. As a reflective scientist practitioner, Victoria’s
metaphors on mental health and stigma, stimulated similar reflections on my
research looking at the experiences of parents who live with Parental
Alienation.
This public lecture stirred so many thoughts and emotions in
me about recent news items, Parental Alienation and the unexpected response to
my research. I was immediately reminded
of the stigma that alienated parents feel, that I have witnessed, when judged
(or fearful of being judged) by “professionals” and others. By GPs, teachers, health professionals, the
judiciary, social workers, work colleagues, even sometimes friends and family. It goes a little like this “Your child does
not want to see you – what have you done to make them feel like this?” It may not be explicitly spoken, but is often
clearly communicated through facial expression, body language and
behaviour. I absolutely understand this
response – because it used to be my response.
It is a response borne out of an ignorance which cannot consider any
explanation other than the rational one: your child will only reject you if you
have given them cause to. Who can blame
these people for their ignorance? Who
HAS heard of Parental Alienation? Sadly,
it is often a self-judgement too … “My child hates me, but I don’t know what
I’ve done; I must have done something awful for my child to treat me like
this.”
Images of Tim Haries and Paul Manning, recently arrested for
their defacement of prominent art works, dominated: my understanding of their
distress and their turmoil contrasted with responses to their arrests which I
read in the press. These comments were
along the lines that these men are clearly unfit fathers, they are radical,
they are law-breakers, the court was clearly justified in denying them contact
with their children. Who can blame those
that commented – what do they KNOW about Parental Alienation? What are they ALLOWED to know about Paul and
Tim’s cases in the family courts, when judgements and process are routinely
kept secret? How are they to know that
in many cases, parents have a contact order, but the courts fail to adequately
enforce that order when it is broken by the other party?
3 years ago, when I first became challenged by the
behaviours I saw before me in a young girl, I sought to gain an understanding
of what was going on for her. It was
then that I first started to read about Parental Alienation. The more I read, the more I understood, the
greater my shame, guilt and sadness.
Shame that I had always taken what I saw before me at face value and not
sought to look deeper. Guilt that my
ignorance had probably perpetuated such alienation. Sadness at the growing realisation that there
was very little I could do to change the situation for this young girl and her
dad.
But from somewhere, a passion stirred – a fire in my belly,
well ….. a spark of an idea at least. I
couldn’t label this spark, or quite put my finger on it that time, but I became
aware of changes within me. These
changes manifested themselves in a new direction in my life. I began to retrain as a Counselling
Psychologist. At first, this just seemed like a natural progression along
life’s journey, but there has been a growing realisation that it is much more
than that. This is my opportunity to
right some wrongs, to give people a voice and to offer some hope and support to
those who may have had none.
At this moment in time, my focus is very much on my
research. My attendance at this
conference was very much an opportunity to talk about my research – to raise
awareness with a profession who are likely to come across Parental Alienation
in their daily work, yet may not know about it.
These conversations raised issues of duality too. When one delegate asked what Parental
Alienation was – I explained, as I did so many times over the weekend: it is
the illogical or unwarranted denigration and rejection of a parent in the
absence of abuse, where there had previously been a normal loving relationship,
most usually occurring where high conflict relationship breakdown is a
factor. I am extremely grateful to this
delegate who reminded me that such a response, by a child, was both normal and
legitimate. Of course it is. As psychologists, we know that this behaviour
may keep a child safe, in the short term.
But how do we reconcile this with the potential for long-term emotional
damage and mental ill-health which can, and has been found to, result? How do we identify the early signs? What can we do to prevent this alienation or
to enable reparation? As a parent, who has shared a mutually loving, normal
relationship with their child – such a rejection is absolutely illogical and
inexplicable. With no reference point to
consider, an absence of knowledge of Parental Alienation by that parent and
practitioners who they come into contact with, what sense can they ever make of
this situation? How can they work
through the confusion and distress?
My research too, brings
up more thoughts of duality, which were further stimulated in Ruth Northway and
Rachel Davies’ workshop on Participatory Research. I am very much aware that as “a researcher”,
I may be seen by my “participants” as someone remote, emotionally uninvolved
with no vested interest. Do participants
feel that research is a waste of time, that it is an academic exercise, which
will eventually sit and gather dust and have not one iota of impact on their
lives? As a researcher who IS passionate about my research, I am very much
aware of the need to keep my passion in check, lest it introduces some bias
into my study at any stage. This is
particularly difficult for me. As I
started by saying – I am “me”, I do not compartmentalise myself.
Over the last month, I have been encouraging participation
in my research by asking potential participants to “add their voice” to my
study. I have had a fantastic response,
and have been moved by many of the heart-wrenching stories. Yet I am aware that many will be considering
whether their voice will actually be heard – and many more will just reject the
request out of hand. I am also aware
that the very clear voice of my participants is often critical of their
experience with psychologists. I just
want to give some inkling of a hope to those of you who are reading this who
have been impacted by Parental Alienation.
My conference experience was a very emotional one. I knew before I attended the conference that
I had been awarded Trainee of the Year and I was to receive the award at the
AGM. What I had never envisioned, was that my poster presentation would also be
judged as best at the conference. Yes, I
feel some pride, but the overwhelming feeling is one of validation by my
peers. Validation that Parental
Alienation is worthy of discussion and research. Validation from the incoming Chair of the BPS
Division of Counselling Psychology that the experience of parents in this
situation is particularly worthy of research.
This weekend your voices were heard. It is a small step in the right direction. There will be many more small steps.
My Trainee Prize was awarded for a piece of work entitled “Psychopathology and the conceptualisation of
mental disorder: the debate around the inclusion of Parental Alienation in DSM5”. It will be published later this year. My Poster Presentation was entitled “The lived experience of alienated parents: developing
a Q sort”. I will upload the poster once
the participation phase of my research is complete.
Alienated parents, please
consider taking part in my research on your experiences here
